Dear JOOR (again)

Javier,

Almost two years have passed since I’ve talked to you, since I’ve heard you laugh, since I’ve heard you tell me you love me. It’s been over two years since I’ve hugged you or kissed you. It’s been over two years since you’ve tucked my hair behind my ear, taken my glasses off, and wiped my tears. It’s been over two years since you’ve stood in front of me, and very gently said, “Can I talk now? Can you please listen to me? Trust me, Baby. It will be ok.” I used to always ask you angrily, “How do you know it’s gonna be ok?! You don’t know that!” And you would always reply with the same answer, “Yes I do know, because I have faith. God will see us through.” To say I miss you would be the understatement of my lifetime. I could try to put into words how much I miss you, but there are no words to express how much my heart aches for you sometimes.

I think about our life together. It makes me smile. Even thinking about some of the arguments we had makes me laugh. On the days when I feel lonely and want to feel loved, I think about you and I am reminded of how blessed I am to have experienced a love like ours. I think about you a million times a day. Sometimes, I look at your picture and still can’t believe you’re gone. I still find it hard to believe that you’re never gonna walk through the front door and squeeze me so tight it hurts. And in these moments, I ask myself, “Why, after all this time, is it so hard to believe he’s dead?” I can only come up with one answer, and that is, that you didn’t die. Your physical body is gone, but you are very much alive in my heart, in my mind, and in my memories. You are a part of me. I take you with me everywhere I go. Thinking about it makes me realize that you are probably more alive now than you were when you lived here on earth. Do you know how many people carry you with them in their hearts every day? Do you know how many people remember you? Do you know how many people do small things everyday to honor you? In a sense, you have multiplied and live stronger than ever. That also makes me smile.

You left me so much to smile about and be proud of. That is also a blessing. Even in my moments of weakness and tears you can still make me smile, sometimes, I even laugh out  loud. And in these moments, I wonder if I give you reason to smile. I wonder if you laugh out loud at some of the things I do or say. I wonder if I’ve done enough to make you proud.

As you know, I’ve written about your death. I wrote the heart wrenching details. Although words could never fully explain how painful it’s been, I’ve attempted to describe the pain as best as I can. I’ve relived the moment the doorbell rang, your arrival on American soil, your memorial, your funeral, and recently, I built up the courage to bury you again. Obviously, the story doesn’t end there. Now it’s time to talk about the days and months after. Truth be told, that’s scary to me. A part of me wants to stop writing. I don’t really want to tell everyone how much your death truly broke me. A part of me doesn’t want to put my pride aside and tell everyone how lost and broken I really was, but I can’t sell God short. What God has done in me and through me is nothing short of amazing. He has taken every broken piece of me, my heart, and my life and slowly put me back together again. I have to say, it’s not at all easy to think about these things, but in the moments when I sit back and think about it all, I find that my heart gets filled with gratitude. I call you my angel, many people call you their angel. I however, am blessed to say that you were an angel to me here on earth, before you ever entered heaven. Javier you led me to start going to church. You never once gave up on the idea of church, even when I cursed you out and told you I wasn’t going. You planted a seed in me, and that seed has grown and carried me through the past two years. That seed you planted in me in March of 2009 has grown, multiplied, and will continue to grow and multiply for the rest of my life. I don’t know that I ever would have found my way to a Godly path without you. A big part of me feels that I would have continued to live life believing in God, but not having any real faith. Thank you, my love, my angel, for planting a seed of faith in me! That seed of faith is the best gift anyone has ever given me.

So, as I begin to write the next few chapters of our story, I can’t help but remember you’re words, “Yes, I do know, because I have faith. God will see us through.” When you first started saying that to me, I rolled my eyes at you. I didn’t understand it. Now, I get it, and you were right. Thank you, Javier. I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but I do know that whatever it is, I will be ok, because I have faith, and God will see me through.

I miss you, Babe. I love you beyond the depths of the deepest ocean, more than all the stars in the sky, beyond the heavens, I love you to infinity and beyond. You live in my heart forever!

With All My Love,

Ruby

P.S. I win!!!

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About lifeafterjoor

My husband was killed in Afghanistan and living life without him has been a daily challenge. I am figuring it out.
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