I feel the need to write. I’ve started writing about the most painful moments in my life. I’ve described the days to the best of my ability, and I will continue to do so. However, tonight, I feel I need to write to my husband.
In the past few weeks, I’ve started writing about your death. I’m not just retelling the facts. I am writing about my feelings, my emotions, my reactions, my thoughts, and my faith. It helps to acknowledge the feelings, but doing so, has also made me realize that there are things I really need to say to you. There are things I need you to know.
I sit here and think about everything we went through over the years. I will be the first to admit that our relationship was not perfect. We went through a lot together. We grew up and matured together. I’ve had moments when I ask God, “Why did our paths cross? Why didn’t I walk away? Why didn’t he walk away when all I knew how to do was push him away? Why? Could I have saved myself this never ending heartache?” While I know that I won’t truly get an answer to these questions until I get to heaven, I feel like maybe God has given me the answers I need.
The day you walked into my life, you changed it forever. You brought a happiness to me that I had never felt before. Your patience, your calm demeanor, brought a sense of peace I’d never had. You saved me from something awful. I used to ask myself if we were truly meant to be. Today, I can say without a doubt that we were. You taught me how to love unconditionally. It is because of you that I learned about what it truly means to forgive. You taught me about patience. You taught me how to smile in the face of adversity. You showed me what it means to fight for what you love, because you fought for my love and never once gave up. You are the only person who has never given up on me or walked away, even when all I did was push you away. You built me up, after someone else had spent years breaking me down. From you, I learned how to enjoy life. You were able to break through the walls I spent a lifetime building around my heart. God knew what I needed, and although you were my plan B, He made you my plan A. Every single moment we spent together was a gift from God.
So, as I write about your death, I need you to know that I’m not doing it to gain anything or profit from it. There is a purpose for everything we went through together and everything I’ve gone through as a result of your death. I also need you to know that I’m not writing about it to close the book on our love story. A true love story never ends. I loved you then, now, and forever. I’m not moving on, My Love. I am simply moving forward. My desire to make you proud pushes me to keep going, to smile in the face of adversity, and to be happy again.
I so wish I could talk to you for even just a moment. I want to hear you say that you’re ok with me writing about your death and our life together. Since I can’t, I am letting God lead me.
Last, you must know that death didn’t make you my hero. You are my hero because you risked everything to be with me. You were my hero the night you waited for 3 hours outside of my job just to speak to me for a few minutes. You were my hero on our first trip to the beach. You were my hero when you made me mad, when you made me smile, and even when you admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose. You were my hero when you taught Alyssa how to ride a bike, when you taught Andrew how to hold his bottle, when you woke up for Anthony’s nightly feedings, when you would get out of bed to get me some water and turn off the lights. You were my hero when you helped me clean, fold laundry, when you took us to Disney World, when you kissed me goodbye every morning, when you played with my hair to help me fall asleep. You were my hero when you kissed my forehead and told me all would be ok, when you would hold my hand, when you would make laugh, and even when you rubbed your feet on me! You were my hero every time you blew me a kiss over the phone, and even when you would force me to blow one back to you. You are my hero for everything I learned in you, through you, and because of you. You are my hero for all of the love you gave me and for never giving up on us. You are my hero for being the most amazing father to our kids. More than anything, you are my hero for insisting that I go to church with you and for your determination in leading us toward a Godly path. You are my hero for a million reasons that have nothing to do with the Marine Corps, deployments, or death. I love you Javier. I will live the rest of my life loving you, honoring you, and making sure that your memory lives on forever. Thank you for giving me so much to be proud of.